Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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