This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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