I think my fart just growled at me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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