Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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