I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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