Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
