I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
