I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
