fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
