Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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