She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
