i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
