Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just want to make out with him forever
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
