and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
