Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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