He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
