Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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