Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
