I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize