Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
