Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
