After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
