if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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