can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize