after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
