i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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