Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
