ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
