New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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