Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
After tacos, we're chasing women.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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