i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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