I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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