I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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