I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
