my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
