They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize