i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I checked into jail on foursquare
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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