took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
