I wanna bring you to show and tell
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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