I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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