I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
