Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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