I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
