I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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