halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
