i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
