the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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