dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
