hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
