woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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