Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
