I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm at about main and main street
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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