Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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