Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
