The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
