plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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