Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
