Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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