That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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