uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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