I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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