um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
