I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
