how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
