Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
What drink are we having for lunch?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
